They're NOT fur boots dammit!

Walking out of work when the security guard decides to chat it up. (Ok i guess) We're talking and what not when the mumbles from a lady behind me become very clear .... "...And day wonder why dur so fucken busy ... Mira la huerca y su Starbucks ... Se cree que es chingona ... Pinche blue pants y fur boots ..." Wtf! (They're not fur boots damit) I am instantly infuriated. I know she isn't talking about me!?? But I can only assume me since no one else is wearing blue pants! I walk right up to her and as politely as possible ask, "Did you have something to say to me ma'am?" "No! ... well yea... instead of standing around drinking jour fucking Starbucks y chismando ... couljew help out jour customers!!??? I want my light back on!!! Bexar county already made payment!" I can't stand attitude from a stranger and customers that call their electric bills a light bill! "I'm sorry but you're not MY anything ma'am. I don't own CPS nor am I on the clock to ...." "So what the fuck now jew wanna kick my ass or que ... Te crees que eres better than me!? & don't fucking call me ma'am cuz ..." By now she's no longer sitting down and people are staring. Ugh, I want to knock her out!!! Instead I simply got in her face and cut her off ... "MA'AM! I'm going to have to ask you to sit down or I will have you escorted out the building and you'll spend the entire weekend without ELECTRICITY!" She gets real quiet ... Probably because the guard is now between us. Since everything is now calm I tell her as quietly as possible, "And from one human being to another ... I apologize that my coffee and blue pants bother you, but if you had an actual job and paid your bills on time you'd have the means to have a cup of coffee every now and then and maybe in return be a less bitter bitch." I shoot her a smile and walk away as fast as I can. The guard is cool with me so I hope they have my back. But ugh ... I swear I hate people sometimes!!! And they're NOT fur boots damit!!!

Once a cheater .... always a cheater

It was like someone punched me in the gut and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. Everything was a blur, my stomach was in knots and I had this ache in my heart that was unbearable. My world was turned upside down. I didn't know what or who to believe. I could never trust anyone ever again! Its been a couple of years but there are times when it seems like just yesterday and it hurts just as bad ... and that's why I do the things I do. I lie so I can do what I want, go where I want and be with who I wanna be with. I make excuses to get away, phone is always on silent and no contact is who it actually says it is. What I don't know is why I stick around. Is it because 7 years is a long time to just walk away?? Maybe I'm used to everything?? Do I feel like I can't afford to be alone?? Or maybe ... just maybe, it's love? I know love isn't lying, cheating and sneaking around but what else would you call it!?!?!?! eff it! ... it is what it is

will the pain ever go away ??

Sometimes it hurts so much my heart physically aches ... I feel so overwhelmed with resentment and grief I don't know what to do and I end up crying. I know they say time heals all but its been 2 yrs and it feels like just yesterday. I don't intentionally think about it ... the memories just pop into my head. My stomach begins to turn and my heart beats so hard I can hear it ...

:(

fasting ... or should I say starving!?!?

I don't know if me starving, or should I say fasting for the first three days of last week helped ... But I think I have my eating habit under control more than I did before. I honestly can't believe I lasted three days! Him doing it with me prolly helped because I wasn't about to be the one to fail and hear him talk shit. Only upsetting thing about the "fasting" was that I didn't lose as much as I thought I would. That punk lost 10 lbs ... I lost a measley 6 .... Psssht. I'll be ok I told myself I was doing it to cleanse my body of toxins. I don't know if that was what was accomplished ... all I know is I had no freakin energy whatsoever ...

It was day 2 and I was running late from lunch because I was at the mall (with no money) walking around trying to distract myself from the thought of food. Didn't help though because as soon as I walked in all I smelled was food. When I got back to work I had like 7mins. I figured ... It's only the fifth floor ... How hard can that be!?!?!?! ... I think all the fasting made me think I was thin and could do it. So there I go running up five flights of stairs. NO MAM! By the third floor I had tunnel vision and shit. I thought I was going to pass out. Co workers would wonder where I am and finally someone would find me in the stairwell unconscious because I'm so out of shape! Thankfully that didn't happen. I took a breather and made it to the top, I couldn't really breath but I managed to clock in on time.

I was going to do some seven day soup diet but I hate to eat healthy and I know I wouldn't stick to it. Portion control is the only kinda diet I can manage ... That and starving myself. If I could change ONE thing about myself ... It would be my weight.

games ...

If he wanted to see me he woulda came in to town. I know the drives far but I can't help think that he figured if he can get ass there then there really is no point in driving 300+ miles just to see me. I know he says that I'm more than ass but I'm not stupid. I know my place and its all good. Just don't lie or try to play me cause that's not cool. We are having fun and that's all. I tell him everything, when I go out, with who whatever. Why can't he do the same? I don't care if he talks to other people or hook up but when he lies and makes me feel bad for the things I do its annoying. This weekend though he didn't even really talk to me. Seems like I was the one calling and texting on Friday so I didn't even bother Saturday. I'm sure only reason he text Saturday was to see what I was going to do since he knew I wasnt about to stay in. I don't think I should have called lastnight though ... But I caved like always. I wanted to talk to him ... and as soon as he got on the phone I was over it?? I don't know whats wrong with me. I did feel a little bad hanging up on him like I did. I know if shit were switched, regardless anything I would be upset to have someone call me then with the quickness hang up even if we were having a good conversation. A scenario like that would put me in my place in the harshest way. Ehh what can you do. When you're the "other" one you don't really have a say so in anything. It is what it is. As much as I care about him and as much fun as we have together at the end of the day I have my boyfriend and he is first. It's just the way the game goes.

diet pills

I think its gotten to the point where I don't care what the side effects are ... If they'll work I am down to try it. I know I would lose more if I just commited but idk ... It's so hard. I try to keep myself busy with all the other drama in my life but when everything is calm ... I eat! Ugh. Fml

fAil!

I don't get it!? I want this so bad but I can't seem to get a fucking hold of shit. I told myself I would eat right and exercise. This morning I had a small cup of coffee, non-dairy creamer because thanks to a special book, Skinny Bitch, I no longer care for puss juice ... err milk. On my lunch break I made a bad choice. I can't stand to be in the break room with the obnoxious mechanics so I left. I knew I had no gas and only a thirty minute break but I didn't care. Then I stopped at Bill Millers with a free meal coupon given to me by my boss and got a #5! I only ate like 5 fries and half the sandwich giving the rest away but that's besides the point. It didn't get any better. When I got home I ate a cookie from the pan of sweet bread my aunts gave me from the get together we had after the burial. Dinner was spaghetti and no mam, I ate more then I should with a slice of bread. To top all of this off, right before I sat my chunky butt down to blog how much I sucked today, I ate a brownie! Fuck my life ... now that I am reading this as I type ... I am totally embarrassed.

I just don't get it! There are days when I kill it. My eating is so on point I surprise myself and then one day I say 'ehh fuck it I can do good tomorrow, I'll bust my ass, double my workout and eat only fruit'. But no matter what promises I make to myself, in the end I always feel like a fat failure! I am hoping this blog will help. Maybe me reading this shit will do something for me and I won't have these constant "bad days" or whatever excuse I make up and want to call it. All I know is that I don't expect to change over night but I do expect only progression. Not to go up, up, up, just to let a bump bring me back down.

If anyone has any tips or advice or secrets .. please .. help me!