Mission Impossible??

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster these past few days. So much has gone on in such little time. I never knew crying could take a toll on you. I haven't been this tired in a while. Maybe the crap I've been shoving down my throat has a lot to do with that too! And I was doing so good ...

Why when tragedy strikes family we all get together and we eat, when we celebrate a special occasion, we eat, and when we have a gathering just to catch up ... you guessed it .. we eat. I don't get it. It's not even just family. I even do it with friends. 'Oh my god dude I haven't seen you in forever! We have to get together sometime and do lunch!?', 'Jenn!!!! I miss you. Let's do lunch tomorrow!?' No wonder I'm a huge fatty ... I have too many friends! Darn me and my charming personality. Kidding.

So I've decided to step it up a notch. I have lost 40 lbs so far. I am determined to lose another 60 before 2012 gets here. To give me a little push I am going to post a daily or weekly (I'm still deciding) picture and weight update. This way positive comments will give me encouragement and negative comments will piss me off enough to prove people wrong. They may also give me an urge to track them down and put them in their place ... but I don't have enough money to travel like that ... so they're safe. I also need more followers but I will figure that out later.

Wish me luck!

because it is what it is ...

Ever watch day time talk shows where they put a group of people onstage and it seems like their life is a damn novella?? Well that is me, my life. A drama filled, unscripted, chaotic soap opera. I do and say things I shouldn't because it's how I get away with the things I do. I am 28 years old living life backwards and I have decided to make a tell all blog. Nothing will be left out and no one's feelings will be spared. There are some people that know me for me and when I question my actions I normally get the same response. "Well if the things you do to people were done to you or your kids grow up to be in your same situation, would you think it's okay?" This is probably because no one has the balls to tell me I'm a heartless floozy that needs to calm down. But my answer will always remain the same...
NO. I don't think what they're doing is in anyway justifiable or morally acceptable. But I do believe that you should do what makes YOU happy, because at the end of the day YOU are all that matters. You really think your feelings are spared or thought about when the people you love hurt you!? Of course not! That's why the things they do hurt the way they do. Because they don't give a shit that the actions they take are going to have consequences and those consequences will include your heart being stomped on into a billion pieces. Why do they feel this way you ask. Well I can honestly say it's nothing personal. As stupid as that sounds it's the fucking truth. It's not personal. When people do what they do it's all about them and the fact that at that moment it's what they want and could care less how it affects anyone. Of course when you're the one getting hurt shit sucks. But when you're the one living the life you want, doing what makes YOU happy, good or bad, at the end of the day YOU'RE happy and that's all that matters ... to you.

i thought it was game over ....

It's a typical day off. I'm out running errands while the kids are at school. As I leave Target, with more stuff I didn't even need, a loud siren goes off ... I think to myself 'no fucken way that's what I think it is!?' ... but what I feared the most was confirmed as I looked up. It was a huge round ball of firey red orange and yellow. I couldn't tell exactly what it was but whatever it was was so close it looked like it was already in our atmosphere.
People all around are screaming and crying. I'm in shock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Please tell me I'm dreaming! I'm frozen, standing there like a lost child when two strangers grab me and we huddle. We closed our eyes so tight ... as if not seeing it coming will make it less painful, but it didn't. When I closed my eyes all I saw were my kids faces. I knew I was never going to see them again, never hold them or get to tell them how much they mean to me .... "I love you Adriana! I love you Jonathan! I love you Jocelyn!" I am crying like a baby. I hear a loud grumbling noise ... the ground begins to tremble so hard. I can hear car alarms go off and the store windows shatter ....

♪ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from getting to ...♪

My alarm goes off and I wake up ... the tears are still running down my face but I'm relieved it was just a dream.

too late ...

The words that you speak
those things that you say
the meaning seems to change
day after day
“We’re guna be together,
things are guna last … “
we both know our love
will be a thing of the past
it’s hard to admit
or to think that it’s true;
me without you
don’t know what I’ll do!?
but I’m tired of the game
this ride we seem to be on
our “honeymoon” phase …
all that bull shit is gone
you always get mad
even when it’s your fault
you get mad and leave
is what you want ???
that’s all I can do,
assume shit I don’t get
you keep me in the dark
leave me there and forget
you push me away
and yet I’m still there
being loyal to you;
a jerk that don’t care
cause it’s all about you
what you want
what you need
been that way since day one
I was just too blind to see
well the blindfolds are off
it’s a clear sunny day
I see right through your crap
but I don’t know what to say …
“You’re a six year mistake
from beginning to end
a pathetic excuse
for the species of men
I don’t care where you go
what you say, what you do
isn’t that what you wanted??
well, now I want that too.   

"well then what the f#$% is it that YOU want!?"

I want to be that special someone in your life,

the one you take out and pamper,

the one you are willing to supports emotionally and financially,

I wana be that one girl you just can't stop thinking about ...

I wana go wherever & do whatever the fuck I want,

I wana go out with my friends & have fun as if I were single ...

I wana come home & cuddle & not argue with you till I'm sober ...

basically ... I want you to be my bish ♥

?

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Conn's is managed by a bunch of fkn idiots!

"Next call jz" (guess Jennifer had too many syllables) "dial out jz" ... blah blah fkn blah. That was my day in and out for the past 18 months! Then last wk Thursday I get called into the little white room ... dun dun dun ....

"I can't believe this, I gave u a raise, I thought u were an honest employee. The reason I called u in here is because I was listening in on ur calls and u hung up on 3 customers, u called the Frost Bank time several times in a row. That's falsifying your calls made per hour."

First of all ... I got that raise cause I asked for it, u didn't give me shit! The customers I released the calls on had arrangements in the system, but because conns takes so fkn long to do anything and we basically harass these ppl day in and day out, I didn't feel like getting bitched @ so I just hung up. Granted i coulda been a lil more professional, u could gave me a warning or at least asked why. Whtvr. And the whole calling time between calls to make sure my dialed #'s quota was met ... u knew I was doing that. You even complained to me how another rep would call our 1800# and listen to the automated machine for 9 mins. Ha! To top all this bullshit off ....

"Due to your recent actions you are being suspended till further notice ..."

Ha u mean we're pansy asses and can't just tell u ur fired to ur face so we will let u go home and maybe call u later to let u know ur fired. This all went down 4/21/11 ... today is 4/28/11 and I am still "suspended" ... Haha

All I gotta say is fk Conns! It's the most inconsistent, ghetto, unorganized, unethical, unprofessional company I've ever worked for. All the managers are walking sexual harassment lawsuits, sleeping with their employees or each other. If there not involved in that drama they are calling the anonymous line on each other as a means of revenge. Ha r u kidding. I can write a top selling book based on all the crap I know. If my unemployment is denied I just might start a rough draft ;)