will the pain ever go away ??

Sometimes it hurts so much my heart physically aches ... I feel so overwhelmed with resentment and grief I don't know what to do and I end up crying. I know they say time heals all but its been 2 yrs and it feels like just yesterday. I don't intentionally think about it ... the memories just pop into my head. My stomach begins to turn and my heart beats so hard I can hear it ...

:(

fasting ... or should I say starving!?!?

I don't know if me starving, or should I say fasting for the first three days of last week helped ... But I think I have my eating habit under control more than I did before. I honestly can't believe I lasted three days! Him doing it with me prolly helped because I wasn't about to be the one to fail and hear him talk shit. Only upsetting thing about the "fasting" was that I didn't lose as much as I thought I would. That punk lost 10 lbs ... I lost a measley 6 .... Psssht. I'll be ok I told myself I was doing it to cleanse my body of toxins. I don't know if that was what was accomplished ... all I know is I had no freakin energy whatsoever ...

It was day 2 and I was running late from lunch because I was at the mall (with no money) walking around trying to distract myself from the thought of food. Didn't help though because as soon as I walked in all I smelled was food. When I got back to work I had like 7mins. I figured ... It's only the fifth floor ... How hard can that be!?!?!?! ... I think all the fasting made me think I was thin and could do it. So there I go running up five flights of stairs. NO MAM! By the third floor I had tunnel vision and shit. I thought I was going to pass out. Co workers would wonder where I am and finally someone would find me in the stairwell unconscious because I'm so out of shape! Thankfully that didn't happen. I took a breather and made it to the top, I couldn't really breath but I managed to clock in on time.

I was going to do some seven day soup diet but I hate to eat healthy and I know I wouldn't stick to it. Portion control is the only kinda diet I can manage ... That and starving myself. If I could change ONE thing about myself ... It would be my weight.

games ...

If he wanted to see me he woulda came in to town. I know the drives far but I can't help think that he figured if he can get ass there then there really is no point in driving 300+ miles just to see me. I know he says that I'm more than ass but I'm not stupid. I know my place and its all good. Just don't lie or try to play me cause that's not cool. We are having fun and that's all. I tell him everything, when I go out, with who whatever. Why can't he do the same? I don't care if he talks to other people or hook up but when he lies and makes me feel bad for the things I do its annoying. This weekend though he didn't even really talk to me. Seems like I was the one calling and texting on Friday so I didn't even bother Saturday. I'm sure only reason he text Saturday was to see what I was going to do since he knew I wasnt about to stay in. I don't think I should have called lastnight though ... But I caved like always. I wanted to talk to him ... and as soon as he got on the phone I was over it?? I don't know whats wrong with me. I did feel a little bad hanging up on him like I did. I know if shit were switched, regardless anything I would be upset to have someone call me then with the quickness hang up even if we were having a good conversation. A scenario like that would put me in my place in the harshest way. Ehh what can you do. When you're the "other" one you don't really have a say so in anything. It is what it is. As much as I care about him and as much fun as we have together at the end of the day I have my boyfriend and he is first. It's just the way the game goes.

diet pills

I think its gotten to the point where I don't care what the side effects are ... If they'll work I am down to try it. I know I would lose more if I just commited but idk ... It's so hard. I try to keep myself busy with all the other drama in my life but when everything is calm ... I eat! Ugh. Fml

fAil!

I don't get it!? I want this so bad but I can't seem to get a fucking hold of shit. I told myself I would eat right and exercise. This morning I had a small cup of coffee, non-dairy creamer because thanks to a special book, Skinny Bitch, I no longer care for puss juice ... err milk. On my lunch break I made a bad choice. I can't stand to be in the break room with the obnoxious mechanics so I left. I knew I had no gas and only a thirty minute break but I didn't care. Then I stopped at Bill Millers with a free meal coupon given to me by my boss and got a #5! I only ate like 5 fries and half the sandwich giving the rest away but that's besides the point. It didn't get any better. When I got home I ate a cookie from the pan of sweet bread my aunts gave me from the get together we had after the burial. Dinner was spaghetti and no mam, I ate more then I should with a slice of bread. To top all of this off, right before I sat my chunky butt down to blog how much I sucked today, I ate a brownie! Fuck my life ... now that I am reading this as I type ... I am totally embarrassed.

I just don't get it! There are days when I kill it. My eating is so on point I surprise myself and then one day I say 'ehh fuck it I can do good tomorrow, I'll bust my ass, double my workout and eat only fruit'. But no matter what promises I make to myself, in the end I always feel like a fat failure! I am hoping this blog will help. Maybe me reading this shit will do something for me and I won't have these constant "bad days" or whatever excuse I make up and want to call it. All I know is that I don't expect to change over night but I do expect only progression. Not to go up, up, up, just to let a bump bring me back down.

If anyone has any tips or advice or secrets .. please .. help me!

Mission Impossible??

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster these past few days. So much has gone on in such little time. I never knew crying could take a toll on you. I haven't been this tired in a while. Maybe the crap I've been shoving down my throat has a lot to do with that too! And I was doing so good ...

Why when tragedy strikes family we all get together and we eat, when we celebrate a special occasion, we eat, and when we have a gathering just to catch up ... you guessed it .. we eat. I don't get it. It's not even just family. I even do it with friends. 'Oh my god dude I haven't seen you in forever! We have to get together sometime and do lunch!?', 'Jenn!!!! I miss you. Let's do lunch tomorrow!?' No wonder I'm a huge fatty ... I have too many friends! Darn me and my charming personality. Kidding.

So I've decided to step it up a notch. I have lost 40 lbs so far. I am determined to lose another 60 before 2012 gets here. To give me a little push I am going to post a daily or weekly (I'm still deciding) picture and weight update. This way positive comments will give me encouragement and negative comments will piss me off enough to prove people wrong. They may also give me an urge to track them down and put them in their place ... but I don't have enough money to travel like that ... so they're safe. I also need more followers but I will figure that out later.

Wish me luck!

because it is what it is ...

Ever watch day time talk shows where they put a group of people onstage and it seems like their life is a damn novella?? Well that is me, my life. A drama filled, unscripted, chaotic soap opera. I do and say things I shouldn't because it's how I get away with the things I do. I am 28 years old living life backwards and I have decided to make a tell all blog. Nothing will be left out and no one's feelings will be spared. There are some people that know me for me and when I question my actions I normally get the same response. "Well if the things you do to people were done to you or your kids grow up to be in your same situation, would you think it's okay?" This is probably because no one has the balls to tell me I'm a heartless floozy that needs to calm down. But my answer will always remain the same...
NO. I don't think what they're doing is in anyway justifiable or morally acceptable. But I do believe that you should do what makes YOU happy, because at the end of the day YOU are all that matters. You really think your feelings are spared or thought about when the people you love hurt you!? Of course not! That's why the things they do hurt the way they do. Because they don't give a shit that the actions they take are going to have consequences and those consequences will include your heart being stomped on into a billion pieces. Why do they feel this way you ask. Well I can honestly say it's nothing personal. As stupid as that sounds it's the fucking truth. It's not personal. When people do what they do it's all about them and the fact that at that moment it's what they want and could care less how it affects anyone. Of course when you're the one getting hurt shit sucks. But when you're the one living the life you want, doing what makes YOU happy, good or bad, at the end of the day YOU'RE happy and that's all that matters ... to you.