fAil!

I don't get it!? I want this so bad but I can't seem to get a fucking hold of shit. I told myself I would eat right and exercise. This morning I had a small cup of coffee, non-dairy creamer because thanks to a special book, Skinny Bitch, I no longer care for puss juice ... err milk. On my lunch break I made a bad choice. I can't stand to be in the break room with the obnoxious mechanics so I left. I knew I had no gas and only a thirty minute break but I didn't care. Then I stopped at Bill Millers with a free meal coupon given to me by my boss and got a #5! I only ate like 5 fries and half the sandwich giving the rest away but that's besides the point. It didn't get any better. When I got home I ate a cookie from the pan of sweet bread my aunts gave me from the get together we had after the burial. Dinner was spaghetti and no mam, I ate more then I should with a slice of bread. To top all of this off, right before I sat my chunky butt down to blog how much I sucked today, I ate a brownie! Fuck my life ... now that I am reading this as I type ... I am totally embarrassed.

I just don't get it! There are days when I kill it. My eating is so on point I surprise myself and then one day I say 'ehh fuck it I can do good tomorrow, I'll bust my ass, double my workout and eat only fruit'. But no matter what promises I make to myself, in the end I always feel like a fat failure! I am hoping this blog will help. Maybe me reading this shit will do something for me and I won't have these constant "bad days" or whatever excuse I make up and want to call it. All I know is that I don't expect to change over night but I do expect only progression. Not to go up, up, up, just to let a bump bring me back down.

If anyone has any tips or advice or secrets .. please .. help me!

Mission Impossible??

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster these past few days. So much has gone on in such little time. I never knew crying could take a toll on you. I haven't been this tired in a while. Maybe the crap I've been shoving down my throat has a lot to do with that too! And I was doing so good ...

Why when tragedy strikes family we all get together and we eat, when we celebrate a special occasion, we eat, and when we have a gathering just to catch up ... you guessed it .. we eat. I don't get it. It's not even just family. I even do it with friends. 'Oh my god dude I haven't seen you in forever! We have to get together sometime and do lunch!?', 'Jenn!!!! I miss you. Let's do lunch tomorrow!?' No wonder I'm a huge fatty ... I have too many friends! Darn me and my charming personality. Kidding.

So I've decided to step it up a notch. I have lost 40 lbs so far. I am determined to lose another 60 before 2012 gets here. To give me a little push I am going to post a daily or weekly (I'm still deciding) picture and weight update. This way positive comments will give me encouragement and negative comments will piss me off enough to prove people wrong. They may also give me an urge to track them down and put them in their place ... but I don't have enough money to travel like that ... so they're safe. I also need more followers but I will figure that out later.

Wish me luck!