fAil!

I don't get it!? I want this so bad but I can't seem to get a fucking hold of shit. I told myself I would eat right and exercise. This morning I had a small cup of coffee, non-dairy creamer because thanks to a special book, Skinny Bitch, I no longer care for puss juice ... err milk. On my lunch break I made a bad choice. I can't stand to be in the break room with the obnoxious mechanics so I left. I knew I had no gas and only a thirty minute break but I didn't care. Then I stopped at Bill Millers with a free meal coupon given to me by my boss and got a #5! I only ate like 5 fries and half the sandwich giving the rest away but that's besides the point. It didn't get any better. When I got home I ate a cookie from the pan of sweet bread my aunts gave me from the get together we had after the burial. Dinner was spaghetti and no mam, I ate more then I should with a slice of bread. To top all of this off, right before I sat my chunky butt down to blog how much I sucked today, I ate a brownie! Fuck my life ... now that I am reading this as I type ... I am totally embarrassed.

I just don't get it! There are days when I kill it. My eating is so on point I surprise myself and then one day I say 'ehh fuck it I can do good tomorrow, I'll bust my ass, double my workout and eat only fruit'. But no matter what promises I make to myself, in the end I always feel like a fat failure! I am hoping this blog will help. Maybe me reading this shit will do something for me and I won't have these constant "bad days" or whatever excuse I make up and want to call it. All I know is that I don't expect to change over night but I do expect only progression. Not to go up, up, up, just to let a bump bring me back down.

If anyone has any tips or advice or secrets .. please .. help me!

Mission Impossible??

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster these past few days. So much has gone on in such little time. I never knew crying could take a toll on you. I haven't been this tired in a while. Maybe the crap I've been shoving down my throat has a lot to do with that too! And I was doing so good ...

Why when tragedy strikes family we all get together and we eat, when we celebrate a special occasion, we eat, and when we have a gathering just to catch up ... you guessed it .. we eat. I don't get it. It's not even just family. I even do it with friends. 'Oh my god dude I haven't seen you in forever! We have to get together sometime and do lunch!?', 'Jenn!!!! I miss you. Let's do lunch tomorrow!?' No wonder I'm a huge fatty ... I have too many friends! Darn me and my charming personality. Kidding.

So I've decided to step it up a notch. I have lost 40 lbs so far. I am determined to lose another 60 before 2012 gets here. To give me a little push I am going to post a daily or weekly (I'm still deciding) picture and weight update. This way positive comments will give me encouragement and negative comments will piss me off enough to prove people wrong. They may also give me an urge to track them down and put them in their place ... but I don't have enough money to travel like that ... so they're safe. I also need more followers but I will figure that out later.

Wish me luck!

because it is what it is ...

Ever watch day time talk shows where they put a group of people onstage and it seems like their life is a damn novella?? Well that is me, my life. A drama filled, unscripted, chaotic soap opera. I do and say things I shouldn't because it's how I get away with the things I do. I am 28 years old living life backwards and I have decided to make a tell all blog. Nothing will be left out and no one's feelings will be spared. There are some people that know me for me and when I question my actions I normally get the same response. "Well if the things you do to people were done to you or your kids grow up to be in your same situation, would you think it's okay?" This is probably because no one has the balls to tell me I'm a heartless floozy that needs to calm down. But my answer will always remain the same...
NO. I don't think what they're doing is in anyway justifiable or morally acceptable. But I do believe that you should do what makes YOU happy, because at the end of the day YOU are all that matters. You really think your feelings are spared or thought about when the people you love hurt you!? Of course not! That's why the things they do hurt the way they do. Because they don't give a shit that the actions they take are going to have consequences and those consequences will include your heart being stomped on into a billion pieces. Why do they feel this way you ask. Well I can honestly say it's nothing personal. As stupid as that sounds it's the fucking truth. It's not personal. When people do what they do it's all about them and the fact that at that moment it's what they want and could care less how it affects anyone. Of course when you're the one getting hurt shit sucks. But when you're the one living the life you want, doing what makes YOU happy, good or bad, at the end of the day YOU'RE happy and that's all that matters ... to you.

i thought it was game over ....

It's a typical day off. I'm out running errands while the kids are at school. As I leave Target, with more stuff I didn't even need, a loud siren goes off ... I think to myself 'no fucken way that's what I think it is!?' ... but what I feared the most was confirmed as I looked up. It was a huge round ball of firey red orange and yellow. I couldn't tell exactly what it was but whatever it was was so close it looked like it was already in our atmosphere.
People all around are screaming and crying. I'm in shock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Please tell me I'm dreaming! I'm frozen, standing there like a lost child when two strangers grab me and we huddle. We closed our eyes so tight ... as if not seeing it coming will make it less painful, but it didn't. When I closed my eyes all I saw were my kids faces. I knew I was never going to see them again, never hold them or get to tell them how much they mean to me .... "I love you Adriana! I love you Jonathan! I love you Jocelyn!" I am crying like a baby. I hear a loud grumbling noise ... the ground begins to tremble so hard. I can hear car alarms go off and the store windows shatter ....

♪ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from getting to ...♪

My alarm goes off and I wake up ... the tears are still running down my face but I'm relieved it was just a dream.

too late ...

The words that you speak
those things that you say
the meaning seems to change
day after day
“We’re guna be together,
things are guna last … “
we both know our love
will be a thing of the past
it’s hard to admit
or to think that it’s true;
me without you
don’t know what I’ll do!?
but I’m tired of the game
this ride we seem to be on
our “honeymoon” phase …
all that bull shit is gone
you always get mad
even when it’s your fault
you get mad and leave
is what you want ???
that’s all I can do,
assume shit I don’t get
you keep me in the dark
leave me there and forget
you push me away
and yet I’m still there
being loyal to you;
a jerk that don’t care
cause it’s all about you
what you want
what you need
been that way since day one
I was just too blind to see
well the blindfolds are off
it’s a clear sunny day
I see right through your crap
but I don’t know what to say …
“You’re a six year mistake
from beginning to end
a pathetic excuse
for the species of men
I don’t care where you go
what you say, what you do
isn’t that what you wanted??
well, now I want that too.   

"well then what the f#$% is it that YOU want!?"

I want to be that special someone in your life,

the one you take out and pamper,

the one you are willing to supports emotionally and financially,

I wana be that one girl you just can't stop thinking about ...

I wana go wherever & do whatever the fuck I want,

I wana go out with my friends & have fun as if I were single ...

I wana come home & cuddle & not argue with you till I'm sober ...

basically ... I want you to be my bish ♥

?

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